It's always kind of a hit 'n miss thing. You log on, you take a look through the photos and you wonder if they have just been run through photoshop, or have been grabbed from somewhere else just to get you looking, and no reflection of what's actually on offer.

I've been disappointed in the past too. Had two recently from one place, I couldn't turn either of them on, they completely failed to light up and I just couldn't score. They had to go: I felt crushed. Yes, they booth looked lovely, and after eighteen years at playing this sort of game I thought I was a dab hand at it, but their lack of reaction to anything I tried was a severe blow to my confidence.

So I was understandably nervous trying somewhere I'd never been before. Were the photographs the "real deal", or just some fancy little marketing to snare the unwary? What about payment? Would I get burned there too? What could I do if, instead of that elegaic beauty, something hideous turned up on my doorstep expecting to take up house room?

But she has arrived, and she's gorgeous. Say what you like about mail-order outfits, about having to take the time to get to know before commitment . . . she's absolutely wonderful. Slim, sleek, a hint of French about her parentage, and some delicious curves at the bottom that just scream to have your hand nestled up behind it.

I say "she", but you know how it is with these places . . . could be a "he" in clever disguise. I expect over the next few days I'll get to find out if the outward appeal is matched by the inner workings or not . . .

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Hmm? What did you think I meant?

Filthy bunch.